Awkwardness

I’m a Leo, so the summer is my time.  I feel energized, connected, thriving and alive.

Then summer shifts to fall and my words get caught up in my mouth and spill out with stutters and foggy pauses.  I feel the intense urge to go inward, which I know I need but I also know will swiftly shift to having too much time alone and my social awkwardness gains momentum.

I’m not sure how to shift it, or if this is just the way of the fall for a Leo, stumbling over my own feet once the light shifts away.

This year, I’ve decided to not berate myself over it.  I’m embracing my awkwardness.

I’m letting my friends into seeing the me who can’t get her words out or who is even more awkward than usual.  I’ve learned a lot this year about friendship and letting friends in more, to see the more messy me.  It has felt really beautiful to do that and know that we can all be really ourselves with each other to a greater depth.

Being in an awkward phase these days has me thinking about self-portraiture too (which is generally always on my mind).  In my classes I talk quite a bit about making space for the parts of ourselves that need to step into the photo and tell their story.  That we might not know what parts of ourselves they are until we allow space for them and it can be profoundly healing to do this.

I’ve known for a while that one of those things is my awkwardness.  Self-portraiture, for me, always has been and I always expect it always will be to create a space to feel free in my own skin.

In those moments where I’m on an abandoned railway or in the forest, with no one around, I find myself ‘dancing like no one is watching‘ and often that movement is completely and totally awkward but wildly free.  I’m so grateful to year of taking Nia dance for allowing me to shift to this place of freedom in dance.  Its an awkwardness I can embrace as it represents freedom to me.

I’m creating a space where my awkwardness is welcomed.

These photos also don’t often make it to flickr, or to my blog and often they don’t actually look all that good but I know that what is more important is that I have the space for all of me…the me that moves in a way that looks fabulous in a photo and makes me feel really good about myself (which are totally important) and the space for the awkward in me too.

Seriously…I really can’t believe I’m sharing one of my super awkward dancing photos with you but like I said, I want to tell you more truths and honour that this awkwardness needs space too.

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  • I love this whole post so much, Viv. YES. And the crazy thing that strikes me in your words here is how letting ourselves be seen in this fuller way actually endears people to us – helps us and those who witness us to feel more at ease in the whole range of what we experience inside our skins. One of the biggest fears of all of us, I think, is being rejected if we show this or that awkwardness about us, but it’s striking me now that showing our less “perfect” sides is actually a doorway to deeper connection.

    Thanks so much for this!ReplyCancel

  • thank you for this post…for sharing more of you…for inviting us to do the same…for opening to door for even more connection.
    yes.
    i adore you so much.ReplyCancel

  • jackie

    Thank you for such a lovely post. So reassuring to hear about your awkwardness as I am so awkward too!

    Will endeavour to welcome my awkwardness too and allow others to see meReplyCancel

  • You see awkwardness, I see a beautiful, creative woman unfurling.ReplyCancel

  • Oh how I so adore this post! How lucky you are that you’re recognizing the importance of accepting who you are at such an early age…I’m in my fifties and just getting to that point. Bravo Viv, Bravo!ReplyCancel

  • Cyndi S

    I love what you have to say- so profoundly true. You are amazing and beautiful! <3ReplyCancel

  • oh I do love your blog! beautiful beautiful pictures and I just read you are a leo too!! explains it all!ReplyCancel

  • i saw this note from danielle laporte a few days ago and it reminded me of this post of yours. and well, i felt compelled to share it. (to share my own awkwardness) thank you for sharing these words here.

    “Soul soup. (Keep this in mind when you’re falling apart.)
    When the caterpillar becomes a butterfly, there is a stage in it’s metamorphosis where it is completely liquified. It is a “nutritive soup of enzymes.” Entirely unrecognizable. You can’t tell what it was, or what it will become. Soup.

    Many of us are familiar with Joseph Campbell’s metaphor of “the hero entering the darkest part of the forest, where no one has entered before.” But what’s often left out of that teaching is this: “…and the hero moves in a dream landscape of curiously fluid, ambiguous forms.” More soup.

    There will be a time, a passage when you don’t really know who you were, or are, or can be. It’s natural, it’s divine, and it’s the chemistry of beautiful, awesome change.
    This passage can happen in big dramatic swells, as years of not quite knowing what you want to do; or seasons of confusion that aren’t quite depressing, but confusing enough to invite sadness in. This can happen in compressed bouts of uncertainty before you do something new or monumental.

    Soul soup. You’re making it. Your past is in there — nothing goes to waste; and your desires — every wish you’ve ever wished gets mixed in; and it’s infused with incredible, and I do mean incredible possibilities.” – danielle laporte

    it was very nice to meet you last week, vivienne, albeit under surreal and strange circumstances. i hope our paths cross at some point in the future, perhaps in a smaller setting. i enjoy your conversation and would have loved to have more (undistracted) time.ReplyCancel

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