I’m a Leo, so the summer is my time. I feel energized, connected, thriving and alive.
Then summer shifts to fall and my words get caught up in my mouth and spill out with stutters and foggy pauses. I feel the intense urge to go inward, which I know I need but I also know will swiftly shift to having too much time alone and my social awkwardness gains momentum.
I’m not sure how to shift it, or if this is just the way of the fall for a Leo, stumbling over my own feet once the light shifts away.
This year, I’ve decided to not berate myself over it. I’m embracing my awkwardness.
I’m letting my friends into seeing the me who can’t get her words out or who is even more awkward than usual. I’ve learned a lot this year about friendship and letting friends in more, to see the more messy me. It has felt really beautiful to do that and know that we can all be really ourselves with each other to a greater depth.
Being in an awkward phase these days has me thinking about self-portraiture too (which is generally always on my mind). In my classes I talk quite a bit about making space for the parts of ourselves that need to step into the photo and tell their story. That we might not know what parts of ourselves they are until we allow space for them and it can be profoundly healing to do this.
I’ve known for a while that one of those things is my awkwardness. Self-portraiture, for me, always has been and I always expect it always will be to create a space to feel free in my own skin.
In those moments where I’m on an abandoned railway or in the forest, with no one around, I find myself ‘dancing like no one is watching‘ and often that movement is completely and totally awkward but wildly free. I’m so grateful to year of taking Nia dance for allowing me to shift to this place of freedom in dance. Its an awkwardness I can embrace as it represents freedom to me.
I’m creating a space where my awkwardness is welcomed.
These photos also don’t often make it to flickr, or to my blog and often they don’t actually look all that good but I know that what is more important is that I have the space for all of me…the me that moves in a way that looks fabulous in a photo and makes me feel really good about myself (which are totally important) and the space for the awkward in me too.
Seriously…I really can’t believe I’m sharing one of my super awkward dancing photos with you but like I said, I want to tell you more truths and honour that this awkwardness needs space too.